Another day, another week, time just flies right by. Sometimes I feel that it all goes too quickly and other times I can't wait for time to pass.

I feel that I'm going through an identity crisis, sometimes having yet to find out who I am now and other times frustrated that I am not always who I want to be. This stirs up quite an inner conflict. I'm afraid and relieved, sometimes simultaneously. At the same time I fight myself. I "want" to do and be one way, yet I realize that I purposely (God knows why) fight against it and "do" the opposite. I'm tired yet I muster the energy to workout and force myself to do so despite being tired.

I don't worry about other's impression of me beyond myself, my husband and family, it's trivial to me. What does worry me is how hard I am on myself and yet lenient in some ways at the same time. It's more of a destructive behavior that has an emotional impact and alters my mood versus being a conscious behavior where I'm cutting myself some slack. I worry that my husband thinks I've lost my mind a bit and I'm constantly worried that I'm not present enough for him to join him in games and other things because I'm working out to perfect my body thinking it will give me what exactly? What will I truly gain in the end? I'm really struggling right now. I don't feel like I'll be fine if I stop being my own sergeant. I wonder if I ever will be.

There is, of course, the flipside which is that I am bettering my health and taking out 1 hour a day to improve my well-being is not a bad thing. The bad thing is that it's not an activity we're sharing together, topped off by the limited hours I have on any given day. I work too much, but that's how it has to be. You can see what a mental yo-yo I play with every day.