Death Becomes Us

At 7:50pm, as we were closing the store, my mother gets a call from my father telling her that her best friend, Cecilia, just went into cardiac arrest and they were in the hospital in Mexicali. As she is on the line my father's radio goes off telling him the doctor is coming out with some news. The news was that Cecilia died. Witnessing my mother and the outright denial, blame, shock, incredulity, all in one tightly wound package was distressing to say the least.

Cecilia was a kind older woman, I thought she was pretty funny if dramatic like all good latin women that I know. My mother and she grew very close throughout this last year, talking constantly on the phone like high school girls. To the point where we'd have to scold my mother to put the phone down while we were at dinner. Almost every day off they had, my parents would go to Indio (where she lives/d) to spend time with her and her family. A very strong friendship grew out of this relationship. She became my mother's best friend like no friend I've seen in too many years to count. The devastation of this event is baffling and incredibly saddening. I really hope my mother can mend and be okay with this. I don't have any notion of the pain or anguish she feels or will feel when it truly sinks in. What I do know is that my parents are leaving on Thursday to Argentina and I know it's going to hurt my mother to have to miss the funeral.

It amazes me how quickly a person can be gone. It saddens me to know how deeply those of us left behind will hurt and mourn. I wish death wasn't necessary.

A Little Scared

I have to admit I feel a bit scared. I'm scared that my mindset isn't in the right place and that I'll sabotage my goals. The reason why isn't so much that I only lost about 1 lb this week, it's more the reasons why that is the case. I have off and on days where I just binge. Yesterday was one of those days. I just ate and ate, healthy choices but in large quantities and just mentally couldn't stop myself. It was insane. It's almost as if throwing it all to the wind makes me feel like I'm not as deprived and that I'm satisfying myself when I'm really not. I'm not deprived and I don't need satisfaction that way.

This brings me to my fear. I'm afraid that I am truly not learning how to eat the right portions without feeling unsatisfied and that I seem to have the mentality that when I reach that elusive goal I can slack off in either eating, exercise, or both. I'm afraid I'll never get to my goal and if I do I'll mess it up when I'm there. I don't quite know what to do or how to change my mentality. How to go back to the idea that eating less is better and to go under versus over on my calories. This is becoming more and more difficult to me and it really worries me.

Memorial Day Weekend

Oh how I envy all of you with a 3-day weekend! Memorial Day is a busy retail day so I'm exempt from the usual festivities but will be there at the bar-b-que in spirit! I hope all of you enjoy your holiday :).

On a separate note, I just watched my co-worker eat this incredible lunch that had me drooling but I don't need a calculator to know one bite is the equivalent of an entire meal in calories alone! Forget the fat content. It was essentially the size of a small pizza, the base was pizza dough folded up along the sides so the gross amounts of butter wouldn't ooze out of it with 2 fried eggs in the center and tons of cheese. My goodness it looked so freaking good. No bites for me though LOL. Anyhow, I had to share this epitome of American eating behaviors, hahaha.

Stressing Before the Stress

Why is it that we, I in particular, start stressing about upcoming stress before it occurs? Maybe it's just me, but at any rate as of next week my parents will both be flying out to Argentina to meet, or reaquaint themselves, with my brother. That translates to 18 days working straight for me and my days are long. It's really not that big of a deal, it's manageable and has an end but I have so little downtime as it is with 2 days off a week that sometimes it feels like I'm drowning.

However, I'm very happy for my father and I hope this trip is better than he expects and that he'll find satisfaction in it.

Meanwhile, I'm just waiting for something to come through in terms of work. From any source but how we want it and very, very soon. I want this year to be the year that I'm able to liberate myself.

Energy

Where oh where has my energy gone! I feel so sapped. I have tons of things to do yet no desire to do anything. It started off rainy and gloomy, took forever to get to work thanks to wonderful LA traffic, I have to call my brother and have no desire at all to talk on the phone, I have tons of work to do and don't feel like doing anything. Blah, I hate this. I can't seem to get motivated today.

I need energy! Send some my way please! ;)

Progress Shots

These are pics starting from 1 week after beginning NS and up to this last Wednesday. A better shot is on my profile btw :).

Laziness

Maybe it's just me, but this weather has done a serious number on my energy levels! I feel soooooooooooo lazy that it's sad, yet I have tons of work to do and I have to get my workout in tonight so I can have the weekend free of those workouts lol. Sometimes I feel that my days never end.

On the other hand though, it's quite beautiful outside. I used to hate it when it started to get hot around here, but now I find myself liking the sun :). It makes me happy (considering I'm not sweating like a waterfall anymore). Would be nice to be hanging out in the park having a bar-b-que with friends versus working though!

Time to get back to the grind, indoors blah.

Good Place

I have butterflies in my stomach frequently lately, but more so today. While I can't get into details, I will say it looks like our time has come and this time my desire will be realized from one source or another. It's the right time for it and I think our prayers will be answered. It's just the right time and I'm going to make it happen.

I keep telling myself to not get ahead of myself because I may be disappointed, but that's just impossible to do. I won't make any plans ahead of myself, but I have less control over my thoughts than I do my actions.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and sorry to be so vague, but I will divulge if and when it really happens.

Pound

A pound is a pound is a pound right? My mind, on some level knows this, other people know this, yet I can't accept it. It's just not good enough. I realize I'm probably one of those obsessive dieters. The ones that nothing ever worked in their lives so then they find something that finally works and clicks, and they become obsessive about it. It's just not good enough dangit. The main reason why is because I could have lost at least 1 more if I wasn't screwing around and screwing up. Then it's terrifying to think when I do get to my goal, how the heck will I keep from screwing that up? I'm upset with myself and not sure how to cope with it.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all that it applies! I hope you are all spending a good day with your families and being pampered to death ;).

Writing

I have really been in the mood to write lately. I just wish I didn't feel the need to censor myself so much. Quite frankly, it's a public venue and anyone can read it, and I don't like risks on any level, personal or professional. So here I am ;). Writing about nothing LOL.

Pieces in Time

Our lives are composed of pieces in time. Moments that come and go, shape and form us, in ways sometimes unknown. Our days, cherished or moaned in passing shape our views, our beliefs, our souls. The trusting nature of children is replaced by cautiousness, the precious naivete of youth is replaced by knowledge gained through the rough handling of life on our bodies and souls. What was the girl I was in my youth really like? I don't think I can truly understand her anymore. Where is the rebel that lived in me through those high school years? How did she change? Who is this woman I am proud to be? How did I become her? Who will I be 10 years from now and what events will shape me into that new being? Reinventing ourselves is a special trait to be treasured. We are capable of so many things it amazes me. In time all things change yet remain the same in many ways. I treasure this piece of time that I may mold into what I need to sustain different aspects of my current self.

Awakening

I had an interesting awakening this morning. I had a feeling I would probably not lose any weight this week because, quite frankly, I lied to myself when counting calories and kept putting things in my mouth that had no business being there. At any rate, I gained 2 lbs and I deserved it. I need to stop being an idiot and not jeopardize what I work hard to acheive. It makes no sense to do this to myself and I even knew I was doing it while I was doing it. I have resolved to figure out what is triggering this behavior and going back to the basics steering clear away from possible trigger foods (number one culprit is Peanut Butter, Ice Cream, and Chocolate). Back away from the goodies Flavia!

I refuse to let myself down and I am at it full force this week and forever with the right quantities (I have actually at least been eating the right kinds of foods just too much of them) and excersizing full force with full motivation.

All my NS friends, join me in being 100%!

Beautiful Cinco de Mayo

It's such a nice day out that I want to be in the sun! What I love about it though is that it's kept me in a cheerful mood even if I am stuck inside working instead of at the beach. I hope this weather is finally here to stay, I'm so sick of the cold!

Mind Games

Lately I've been ravenous for who know's what reason. I usually dismiss it as just mental and like I've stated before I haven't been staying at the calories I should be at. Nothing crazy but definitely going over continuously. So last night I got it really bad and as I laid down to sleep the thought occured to me that I should consider taking a pregnancy test just in case. In my usual fashion I mentally dismiss this much sought reality as an illusion to avoid the ups and downs I've battled over the last 5 years trying to get pregnant. However, last night my mind traveled to that forbidden place and started imagining what if the test were positive? What would I do? What would be my first reaction? etc. I got excited about it. I promptly told myself to stop and get it out of my head because nothing good would come of that kind of thinking and I thought I was pretty successful. So this morning when I woke up the first thing I did was take that test and realized that I was hoping for a positive result. Needless to say, it was negative. I knew I shouldn't even let myself think along those lines. It's silly really. Besides, if I were to really choose when to get pregnant, it wouldn't be now so close to my goal and our Italy trip (imagine a 6 month pregnant woman walking around everywhere in Italy! LOL).

In conclusion, I have no idea why my body has been so hungry lately to the point of discomfort in the evenings. But I refuse to go hungry, so if I have to be up a little on calories I'll do it. If I stall my progress I'll deal with it.

Observations

Sometimes I'm able to read a few different people's blogs (NS people) and it always moves me and I find it very interesting how we're all so different, yet so alike. Everyone has a different story, becomes overwhelmed for different reasons, goes through emotional rollercoaster rides, make you jump up and down from joy, make you cry as you empathize, etc. I just find it incredible how much we, as human beings, endure and adapt and overcome. Of course, what may be too much to handle for me may be easy for you and vice versa.

And then I find it curious that I'll be on the phone with friends or relatives and I have nothing to say. So much happens on a daily basis, but when I get on the phone I find most of it petty, yet it wasn't petty when it was happening. I'm just a ball of contradictions aren't I?

The human psyche has always fascinated me though. I really should have studied in that field.

Food & Activity Post

I decided to write this post, at least for today, despite the fact that my eating habits have left much to be desired as of late. I've gotten too lenient on myself and that has got to change! At any rate, today I'll be accountable if nothing else :).

Breakfast - 1/2 a whole wheat pita with lean ham and 1/2 cup eggbeaters (seasoned and cooked in 1/2 tsp of olive oil). Also, 1/2 a banana and coffee with creamer.

Lunch - Homemade chicken salad with carrots and zucchini using 1 Tbsp of FF mayo, dill, and 1 Tbsp FF yogurt as seasoning. This stuffed into a whole wheat pita. Another coffee with creamer.

Snack - 5 oz of vanilla yogurt with 2 Tbsp of Kashi cereal and some sliced strawberries. Possibly a little SF strawberry jello if I get hungry.

Dinner - Went out to sushi and did pretty well actually. I had about 7 oz of sashimi, 1 pc of sushi, a medium spicy tuna salad with spicy dressing on the side, and 1 cup of grilled mushrooms.

Dessert - Probably nothing.

Drinks - About 15 glasses of water, 3 large coffees, 1 coke zero, 4 cups of green tea, and 2 cups of yerba mate tea.

Exercise - 45 min on the elliptical.

Total calories consumed at 1330 and total calories burned at 810. Not a bad day ;).