I don't think I can truly understand depression, but melancholy I'm familiar with.

What I do understand is the intense need I feel right now to lie down on my couch at home with hot tea in hand, listening to the music of my past, those difficult high school years, and staring out the window thinking about nothing and everything at once.

Things are never all bad, and I'm not depressed by any means, but I yearn for that inner peace and oblivion right now. Feeling overwhelmed is never a pleasant thing.

This too shall pass.

Onederland's New Resident!

I am here and here to stay!!! Weighed in at 198 this morning and I couldn't be more excited! I will never be more than 200 lbs again. This is it!

My wallet is a bit dented just to update you Susan LOL. Got some goodies though! Make-up, nice pants, a shirt, shoes, perfume, and fake pretty rings (until my wedding ones get re-sized). No luck on finding dresses or really nice tops though and towards the end I just got tired. Had a great girl's day out with my best friend doing it though and we got to go to lunch and just shop. Loved it!

Also got all confirmed for our trip to Italy this year. Everything is looking great today :).

Time to Shop Again!

I feel that it's time to indulge in my new found hobby, shopping! LOL I'm thinking I have a serious need for new shoes, dresses, skirts, shirts, undergarments... hmm my list never ends!

**checks her wallet** There is a reason they invented credit cards after all! ROFL

Facing Addiction

This is a reminder for all those who are interested, and myself, that we are combating (and conquering) what I believe to be the hardest addiction: food addiction. Why is it the hardest? Because of all addictions it is the only one that you can't just give up and never pick up again. We have to eat everyday, so everyday becomes a challenge that needs a renewed resolve. Each and every day we face our addiction and try to conquer it. Any other addiction, drugs or alcohol or anything else, we can go the rest of our lives avoiding it and never picking it up again, but this doesn't hold true for food.

Simply put, the point of this post is to point out that every day we win that battle, it's an amazing feat. There will be times we don't win it and it's an emotional blow. We may feel angry or disappointed in ourselves because we "know" better, but the truth of the matter is that we are winning and it's rare we let ourselves get out of control. It's a life-long battle, no matter how thin we become it's still something we will deal with for life. The important thing is to treat ourselves well and to realize that one mistake does not signify failure.

Never, ever give up.

A Little More Brotherly Excitement

I just want to express my excitement with my continued contact with my long-lost brother. It's still all a little surreal to me, but he constantly calls and is just so excited to have found us and I'm really excited to be able to meet him soon. I'm an aunt of 3 and have another sister-in-law to look forward to meeting. My dad is just brimming with joy too, even though he hides it a little.

Many years ago, about 10 or so, I searched for him to no avail. Then a couple of days before his first call to us my mother and I were remembering him and wondering what ever became of him. It was a shock when a couple of days later he's right there on the phone. The last time I saw him was when I was about 1 or 2 years old and the only memory is a couple of photos here and there.

I'm hoping that once I see him it will feel more real because it doesn't yet although my excitement about it continues to grow.

Venice Here We Come!

I'm super excited! I just confirmed, booked, and paid for a trip to Venice, Italy with hubby in September. We're both super excited! We plan on hitting up Florence as well and it's going to be so romantic. I can't wait! It's still very far away and I'm thinking I'll be at goal by the time we leave so it'll be a celebration on all fronts :). I want to shop in super sexy boutiques LOL. Watch your wallet dear!

We have a couple of places scoped out for lodging and once that's booked we'll be ready to go :). Time to learn Italian! It's similar enough to Spanish and I have a little book so I think I'll be quite good by the time we go. Gives us a chance to save up money too :).

Gluttony

The only word to describe my behavior yesterday is gluttony. I didn't even know I could still eat that much in one sitting! I did enjoy myself and had a good time yesterday with family. I'm not really moaning about the day because I did it to myself, but sheesh. We ate around 3pm and at 11pm I was still full to give you some indication. All in all, I ended up at around 1900 calories for the day, could have been much worse, but still no good. Back on track in full force this week! No excuses.

Food & Activity Post

Today should be much better in terms of hunger than yesterday because I planned it out so I have something to eat every couple of hours. I can't handle another day where I'm so ravenous at night. I'm writing it out in the order I'll end up eating so it will be like 10 things LOL.

Breakfast - Ham, Turkey, and FF cheddar sandwich with garlic powder and FF Promise margarine spread with my coffee and creamer.

Lunch Salad - Sauteed leftover veggies from last night.

Lunch Entree - NS black beans and rice with 1 Tbsp of FF sour cream.

Lunch Protein - Hard-boiled egg.

Snack Protein - 1 slice of light bread with 1 tsp of garlic mustard and 2 oz of lean ham made into a small sandwich.

Snack Fruit - A whole banana (part of breakfast fruit).

Dinner - 2 NS thin crust pizzas with 2 slices of lean ham and 1/8 cup FF mozzarella plus 2 servings of broccoli slaw with 1 1/2 Tbsp low-fat ranch.

Dessert - A bag of Popcorn and coffee with creamer.

Drinks - 16 glasses of water, 4 cups yerba mate tea, 1 coke zero and 3 coffees.

Exercise - None, too busy doing bad things to the goat for Easter LOL. Didn't finish until almost midnight so I'll workout tomorrow.

Total calories consumed at 1238.

Food & Activity Post

Yummy food day today! Today I'll write down exactly how I make my food especially for you Ashley :). I hope you all enjoy!

Breakfast - 1/2 cup of a Multi-grain oatmeal (from Trader Joe's at 130 cal/serving) cooked in 1/2 cup of FF Carb Countdown Milk (23 cals) and 1/2 cup of a low-fat Almond milk (the almond milk doesn't have the protein regular milk does but it tastes fantastic and I get it at TJs as well- 40 cals for 1/2 cup) with 2 tsp of Splenda. I also had 60 calories worth of organic sliced apples and coffee with 1 1/2 tsp of creamer. A definite favorite breakfast for me!

Lunch - Went out to dinner last night and brought home everyone's leftover grilled chicken to make a salad today. Turned out really good. I used 1 serving of broccoli slaw (25 cals), 2 oz of chicken breast (88 cals), 2 oz of dark meat (116 cals), 1/2 serving of low-sodium garbanzo beans (40 cals), 1/2 serving of whole kernel corn (40 cals), and 1 Tbsp of Light Done Right Parmesean Ranch (35 cals).

Snack - 2 oz of lean sun-dried tomato turkey lunchmeat slices (Jenny-O at 50 cals) and a serving of grapes (60 cals).

Dinner - NS vegetable lasagna with meat sauce (260 cals) and some sauteed (cooking spray, garlic, salt, pepper) stir fry veggies (100 cals).

Dessert - I'm basically a bottomless pit tonight I'm so hungry! I ended up having 1/4 banana (26 cals), coffee with creamer (16 cals), 1 Tbsp of peanut butter (95 cals), 1 Tbsp of walnut pieces (48 cals), and 2 Tbsp of golden raisins (56 cals). I'm going to go workout before I continue eating, can you believe I'm still hungry? grr

Drinks - 18 glasses of water, 2 cups of yerba mate tea, 3 cups of iced tea, 2 coffees and 2 Coca-Cola Zero.

Exercise - 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Total calories consumed at 1380 tonight. Calories burned were 535.

Writing Habits

I've been thinking off and on today about my writing habits. I remember in high school I used to write poetry and different things all the time. I really enjoyed it and thought I was pretty good (not truly that good looking back at the stuff, but I believed it at the time). I also kept a diary but after my mother read it one day I was never, ever able to keep a diary again. Confession in writing is always something to be avoided even if it's not bad stuff just private stuff. That's my take on it. But back to the point, I wonder why I don't get inspired to write poetry or things of that nature anymore. I've always loved writing, but that doesn't occur to me anymore. I'm not sure I could even be inspired to. Maybe I should get a few books by famous poets... Maybe some Emily Dickinson (need a translator for most of her work though because of all the layers of meaning).

Maybe the thing is that I just grew up? We'll see, I suppose this is the equivalent of the remembered past writings. I just wish I were more eloquent with words. I'll work on improving that ;).

Monday Again!

Happy Monday everyone. I had a great weekend. On Saturday, husband and I went to Venice Beach and walked around, ate lunch (not your top notch cuisine for sure), and rode bikes. It was so much fun LOL. Afterwards we went and saw the movie Kinky Boots, it was cute and a light-hearted fun movie, and had some good dinner. It's been so long since we both felt the day didn't just fly by us, we were able to actually enjoy all the hours at our disposal. What a difference a change of pace makes in how you feel and how relaxed you feel.

We've decided to take our vacation in Venice, Italy this year. It will be in September sometime and I hope to be at goal by then in my weightloss. I'm extremely excited about it and started learning some Italian (LOL). Luckily Italian is very similar to Spanish, so I should be able to get quite a bit of it down before we leave. The romance of Venice awaits us!

My dad was able to find someone to get us a young goat for Easter and I'm looking forward to that. It's actually as low in calories, if not lower, as turkey white meat. I'm also making a traditional Argentine Rosca de Pascua. This is a dessert Easter bread with a creme top. There was little I could do to adapt this recipe, but I'll manage to lower the calorie counts a little bit without altering the taste. My family will be happy to have a "regular" dessert LOL. I have yet to figure out the rest, but I'll come up with something great ;).

Lastly, as a store we will be supporting the national proposition of a day without latino workers on May 1rst, 2006. While we may not struggle with the immigration issues that these people struggle with, we do believe they contribute more to our society than most want to give them credit for. Therefore, we'll be closing the shop and staying home to support the cause.

That about sums up everything, hope everyone is having a great day :).

Food & Activity Post

Another abnormal day as weekends are prone to being. Not doing too bad but I've counted something I had at 2 am towards today so that'll put me up a bit in calories in the end. Such is life.

Today:

Breakfast - A homemade piece of fennel and cheese bread spread with FF Promise margarine along with fresh strawberries and apples and coffee with creamer. (The extra was a piece of this same bread when it came out of the oven at 2 am lol).

Lunch - 5 oz of chicken breast pan-grilled with peach mango salsa and sauteed mushrooms, onions, and baby broccoli.

Snack - Banana chocolate shake and coffee with creamer. Also had 6 slices of lean ham.

Dinner - Breaded turkey breasts and a salad with peach mango sauce and 1/2 a piece of flatbread.

Dessert - A crepe with banana and honey topped with whipped cream.

Drinks - 14 glasses of water, 3 cups of coffee, and 2 cups of yerba mate tea.

Exercise - None today, taking the day off.

Total calories consumed at 1376 and none burned.

Food & Activity Post

I've had a great all day date today with the hubby :). Of course that means we ate out all day, but not too shabby except for a couple indulgences LOL.

Today:

Breakfast - Multi-grain oatmeal with raisins and afterwards a SF, FF vanilla latte at a coffee place. Plus, a piece of an egg bagel and some forbidden chocolate cookie. (sooo bad yet so good!)

Lunch - I ordered a grilled chicken breast sandwich with grilled onions, lettuce and tomatoes. I only ate the bottom half of the bun because the top was just way too big and unappetizing. I ate this with ketchup.

Snack - Coffee with creamer and 1/2 oz of muenster cheese.

Dinner - Spicy tuna lettuce wrap, 1 pc of sushi, and a sashimi salad using only very little of the sesame dressing and having the avocado on it.

Dessert - Coffee with creamer and a fudge ice cream bar.

Drinks - 12 glasses of water, 4 cups of coffee, 2 glasses of iced tea, 2 cups of green tea, and most of a coke zero.

Exercise - We rode bikes at Venice Beach today for close to an hour and walked quite a bit :). Nice day.

Total calories consumed approximately 1463 and calories burned about 500.

Food & Activity Post

Today:

Breakfast - Delicious french toast with fresh strawberries warmed up with hot SF maple syrup. Also, coffee with creamer.

Lunch - Another great meal today. Sauteed fresh baby spinach with garlic, salt and pepper and some leftover Cheeseburger Pie from last night.

Snack - Hard-boiled egg and organic apple slices.

Dinner - Pineapple Asian Chicken over brown rice with sauteed baby broccoli.

Dessert - NS soy pretzels and coffee with creamer.

Drinks - 18 glasses of water, 2 cup of coffee, 4 cups yerba mate tea, 1 coke zero, and 2 cup of green tea. I know I drink A LOT.

Exercise - 45 minutes on the elliptical again tonight.

Total calories consumed were 1344 and calories burned 847.

Just Breathe

Breathe in, breathe out, repeat until tranquil again. That is my motto this week. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at work and I can't wait for today to be over and start my weekend. We're planning to go to Venice beach tomorrow with hubby and do some bike riding, lunch, movies, and dinner! A full day out just the two of us sounds fantastic really. I'm looking forward to it so it better not rain! LOL

I can't wait for Easter, I've got this menu planned that I hope works out and just hanging out with family sounds great.

Happy Friday everyone!

Food & Activity Post

Another late day for me today. Work has been quite hectic and it's been a real struggle to get my workouts in, not to mention keeping cravings in check.

Today:

Breakfast - Quesadilla made with 2 low-carb tortillas, 1/2 cup eggbeaters, and 1/4 cup FF cheddar. Of course my coffee with creamer too :).

Lunch - Cream of mushroom soup using Campbell's 98% fat-free soup and adding 1/2 cup fresh mushrooms, 1/4 cup of FF Carb Countdown Milk, and 1/4 cup FF cheddar. As my veggies I had some baby broccoli I sauteed with garlic.

Snack - I had 3 oz of sauteed shrimp with garlic and a large, 8 oz, orange that counted as both my fruit servings. I also had coffee with very little creamer.

Dinner - I made Amy Smith's Cheeseburger Pie with added diced tomatoes to the recipe and some sour cream. Also had vegetable stir fry with soy sauce.

Dessert - I had some coffee with creamer and am about to have 1 slice of multi-grain bread with 1/2 Tbsp of peanut butter and 1 tsp of honey.

Drinks - About 18 glasses of water, 1 coke zero, 3 cups of coffee, 3 cups of yerba mate tea, 1 cup of green tea.

Exercise - 45 minutes on the elliptical.

Total consumed is 1248 calories and total burned is 866 calories.

Food & Activity Post

Better late than never :).

Today:

Breakfast - Banana cake, 5 oz of FF, SF vanilla yogurt, 1/2 cup pineapple chunks, and coffee with creamer. My first attempt at breakfast today was Paul's Bundt Cake but I over-nuked it in the microwave and it was like teflon! So I changed breakfast LOL.

Lunch - NS mashed potatoes with 4 oz of sauteed baby broccoli.

Snack - Grilled cheese sandwich made with wheat bread and low-fat 4 cheese blend using FF margarine to toast it with and added fresh basil. As fruit had a serving of organic apples.

Dinner - Went to Maria's Italian Kitchen and ordered from their light menu that uses no oil or butter to cook the food with and had a salad that I condimented with some balsamic vinegar and 1 tsp of olive oil plus their chicken tenders with mushrooms and spinach.

Dessert - Coffee with creamer.

Extras - A couple SF hard candies throughout the day.

Drinks - About 18 glasses of water, 3 glasses of iced tea, 6 cups of yerba mate tea, 1 coke zero, and 3 cups of coffee.

Exercise - The Ultimate Fat Blasting Cardio by Billy Blanks for 55 minutes.

Total consumed for the day are 1204 calories and total burned are 816 calories.

Food & Activity Post

Today:

Breakfast - A cup of multi-grain oatmeal with 2 tbsp raisins and coffee with creamer.

Lunch - Chicken salad with greens and a wheat pita. (same as yesterday)

Snack - 1/2 sandwich on wheat bread with some FF margarine, 4 slices of lean ham, and 1/2 slice FF cheddar and 1 1/4 cup of strawberries.

Dinner - About 5 oz of sashimi, 5 oz of sushi rolls, mushroom skewers, and salad with spicy dressing. I totally overdid this one /sigh.

Dessert - None for me. But had 3 SF hard candies during the day.

Drinks - 16 glasses of water, 6 cups of yerba mate tea, 4 cups of green tea, 1 coke zero and 1 cup of coffee.

Exercise - 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Total calories consumed around 1332 (may have been a little more) and 559 calories burned.

Rain

"It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring..." and I wish I was too!! LOL I don't know what it is about the rain that just makes you want to cuddle up in front of the TV or sleep 'til noon. This winter, and now spring, has been crazy. It's pouring here in not so sunny LA and people really don't know how to drive.

I'm really hoping for a sunny weekend to go out and have some fun with the hubby!

Food & Activity Post

Today:

Breakfast - 1 piece of CG's Banana Cake with coffee and creamer.

Lunch - Homemade chicken salad with 1 wheat pita. I boiled some chicken breasts with an onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and some celery. I used 4 oz of that chicken and shredded it, mixed in some chopped roasted bell peppers, chopped onion, chopped celery, salt, pepper, garlic powder, 1 tsp of garlic mustard, 1/2 Tbsp FF mayo, and some baby spinach. I stuffed this mixture into each pita half and had a marvelous lunch!

Snack - At separate times I had 4 oz FF, SF vanilla yogurt with 2 Tbsp of raisins (from breakfast) and CG's Banana Bread Pudding.

Dinner - NS Mac & Cheese with Beef topped with 1/4 cup FF cheddar and green beans sauteed with onions and garlic.

Dessert - Ice cream topped with some pecans and coffee with creamer.

Drinks - 20 glasses of water, 3 cups of coffee, 6 cups of mate yerba tea, and 1 coke zero.

Exercise - 45 minutes on the eliptical and some ab work.

Total calories consumed at 1214 and calories burned at 866.

Moods

I don't know about the rest of the planet, but I for one have come to realize that I am largely dominated by my moods. Perhaps it's that little lie inside my head, it's an outrageous lie to be sure, that being thin would make me always happy? I think on a subconscious level I always equated being thin with happy period, but that really isn't the case and I've always known that. Basically, if I have a crappy day it doesn't matter if I'm looking good while having it LOL! Bah, basically, I get fired up and today I'm at wits end. New employees are a difficulty to begin with, but truly clueless ones are something else altogether! Shoot me now please.

Anyhow, enough nonsense for the day! This week I'm going to be 100% and will post my food to keep me on track and accountable. Happy Monday all!